On Canada Day, I posted a prayer and blessing about forgiveness and about walking closer with Jesus Christ.
Why forgiveness??? See, God has been showing me that one of the struggles we have as humans, inside the Church and outside the Church is forgiving others. Especially married humans..... but really all of us can struggle with this one. Not just husbands and wives. But often in our marriages this is a huge issue. I have been going slowly through this book written by Mr. Mustache... No, that is not his name. His name is Paul Tripp. (if you have ever seen him you'll get why I lovingly call him Mr. Mustache. google him). Anyway, he wrote the book, WHAT DID YOU EXPECT? It's a great marriage discipleship/counseling book for couples. I would definitely recommend it for anyone who is married or who is looking to get married. Very God focused and very good.
I am going through his section on the need for couples to forgive each other. It is so bang on. He writes, ...and I'm very much condensing all the good stuff he is pointing to here so read the book to get all the gold,... anyway, he states that we all know that not forgiving others for their crimes and sins against us really does more damage to us then to them. Not forgiving your wife for something she did to you that hurt you will in fact do more damage in your heart and mind then her. Often not forgiving does more damage then the sin itself did. Unforgiveness can even effect your physical body, through stress and tension that does long term damage. We all know that not forgiving is really harmful and that it is just simply better for one to forgive. We all know this. Yet, yet.... we also often don't truly ever forgive and truly let things go. We always remember those hurts and cuts and we hold on to them and when we feel attacked or we realize we are not going to get our way in something we bring those hurts, those issues, those sins against us back up. We throw them in the others face. And often what we really are doing is using them to get our own way, or justify ourselves for how we are treating the other person. We truly don't like to forgive and forget. We like to have people say sorry, we demand it, but truth is we don't like to forgive even after they do say sorry.
Now not everything I'm saying is in the book. God brought a couple things together for me here. One of the other things that God brought into showing me our struggles with truly forgiving and forgetting (and I will talk about what I mean by forgetting in a second, there is a part about sin we forgive, forget and let go completely and there is a part connected to sin, hurt, wrongs done it we don't and shouldn't forget) was in Acts 8 and the story about Simon the sorcerer which I have been preaching about for the last couple of weeks. Now, there is so much to share about Simon and the situation around his story, but all I only want to point out is that Luke, writing in the power and leading of the Holy Spirit, wrote that Simon believed in Jesus and was baptized. But if you know the story he jumps into a big blunder almost instantly and is very sharply rebuked. And this is where many Christians completely write him off. And in my study I was just shocked to see how many people seem to not see that Simon believed and there for, stupid sin and blunder or not, was forgiven.
In this realization God was showing me that many, including myself very much struggle to forgive fully as Jesus forgives us fully.
See, I think that there are two kinds of people that we really struggle to truly forgive. First, The people who wrong us and who don't say sorry and seem to not even care that they wronged us and hurt us so deeply. I have some of these people in my own life. We struggle to forgive these people, because they show no care for our hurt and pain in the aftermath of their actions and choices and sins against us. Often if we are honest want them to hurt like we hurt, or are hurting. We want them to come and admit that they have hurt us, and that they have done wrong. Until they do, we feel like we can't forgive them.
The second group we struggle to forgive are the people who have hurt us and who know it and who have come and ask for forgiveness..... Its sad but true. See our problem.
Even when someone comes and asks for forgiveness, if they have hurt us and we are still hurting we still struggle to forgive. Why? Well for a host of reasons. But a couple that I see clearly are,
#1... because we know that they will likely hurt us again in some way and so we just don't want to forgive. We would rather them hurt in some way. We feel we are hurting them back in some way by not forgiving and treating them like we have not forgiven them. And in part it often does hurt them. Not forgiving them certainty does not heal the relationship in your heart and it does not do a lot of good for them. So we don't forgive. We would never say it out loud but we like to hurt people back. Yes we struggle to forgive.
#2. We are unwilling to forgive, and this is something that Mr. Mustache wrote which I think is so good, because it gives us power over them. Not forgiving is like a weapon we can take out and use to get our way, or get more of what we want from them. Unforgiveness is power, "There is power in having something to hold over another's head" (Tripp, 90). Unforgiveness helps build up our self identity and pride, "Holding onto our spouse's sin, weakness, and failure makes us feel superior to our spouse." Unforgiveness allows us to demand more, "Carrying our spouse's wrongs makes us feel deserving and therefore comfortable with being self-focused and demanding." It's easier to demand more and more and not feel like we are really now simply wanting our spouse to serve us and do what we want. It helps us feel like we are not being selfish. In essence we feel okay with having the scales tipped towards me getting what I want in the relationship. It helps us ignore or justify that we are not loving others and putting others first, like Jesus Christ calls us to. Unforgiveness is a tool or weapon to attack with, "The sins and failures that our spouse has done against us are like a loaded gun; it is very tempting to pull them out and use them when we are angary." When our wife or husband hurts us, or something they do reminds me of my hurt I have not forgiven, or if I want more, or I want my way, I quickly pull out my weapon. The weapon of the list of their sins against me and I throw it in their face. My intention is to hurt them back again, and manipulate so I can get what I want.
Note that often with unforgiveness I aim to hurt them back again.... it is again because if we have not forgiven we still carry that hurt. When we don't forgive we carry around that hurt and we by our own doing keep that wound open. So, it still hurts. We know bringing up those sins will cause frustration and pain in our lives but we also know it will do so in theirs as well. We often do this especially when the other person has apologized and has tried to make amends. The fact that they feel bad about what has happened gives us more power and makes our unforgiveness a stronger weapon, more effective in causing them pain, or more effective in getting what I want from them.
We often struggle to forgive because we feel the unforgiveness gives us a better place and more power to get what we want from our spouse or the person we are not willing to truly forgive. And the truth is, we do this all the time, not just with our spouse. We as humans struggle to forgive. But as Christians we are called to. Colossians 3:13 is just one of many bible passages that calls us to... "Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you."
The crazy thing is, we are not just called to forgive but to forgive as the Lord Jesus Christ has forgiven us. And when Jesus forgives he forgets and wipes away the guilt of the sinner. Now, that means forgetting and totally forgiving the person who has sinned against you. Like seeing them as if they had never done that sin ever. That is how God forgives us, in Jesus Christ. The guilt of the sinner is completely wiped away. This means forgive and forget. But, this does not mean that we forget the consequences of the sin or maybe better put, the damage of the sin. We know by the authority of scripture that our sin cost Jesus Christ his holy life. He suffered and died on the cross for our sin. And we are called to the Lords table, to communion to remember (Luke 22:19, 1 Cor 11:24-25). We remember Jesus' death for us on the cross which was him taking the consequences of our sin.
We then forgive and forget the judgment, anger, rage, we have towards the guilty. If they are forgiven they no longer owe us anything. They are free. And, the truth is when we truly forgive we also become free. We move on, and can heal. We forget and move past their guilt. We, remember the damage caused by the sin, and we aim together not to allow such a sin, such a act, to happen again but we don't hold them any longer accountable to suffer for it, or accountable to fix it by doing what we want them to do and being enslaved to us for it. We forgive and no longer demand that they hurt or suffer because of it. We also no longer demand that we get something because of it.
Guys, this is how Jesus forgives us. And truly it is in many ways the scandal of the cross. No, we love that Jesus forgives us in this way.... But the crux, the issue isn't that Jesus forgives us in this way, when we accept the free gift of salvation by faith in who He is and what He has done. No, we are okay with God forgiving our sins in this way.... But but the issue for many of us is that Jesus calls us to forgive others in this same manner. And that is hard for us to do. That we have a problem with.
The people in our lives may not be sorry, and they very much might be sorry, but if we are closed to forgiveness we will never find the freedom deep down we are looking for and need.
I believe that in order to forgive like Jesus, we need Jesus in our lives. This means we need to die to our self wants, die to our hearts for revenge, die to our self focused feelings of injustice, our self seeking nature in playing the victim. Our inner desires to make others hurt like we have hurt, and our weapons we use to get what we want. We need to die to ourselves. We must die to our old nature to get what I want when I want it. We need to forgive like we in Jesus Christ were forgiven.
Galatians 2:20 "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now life in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.
When you live remembering not what was done against you, but what was done for you, in Jesus Christ, it is much easier to look at your spouse, look at your family member, look at those who you have not forgiven and forgive. We struggle to forgive, thank God in Jesus Christ that He does not. Amen?
Amen.
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